A Different Person?

I visited with my faculty advisor the other day. Just stopped by his office. I was sharing about my yearlong internship experience. He also did a yearlong when he was in seminary. He told me he entered his final year of seminary a totally different person.

So I've been thinking ... am I a different person now than I was fifteen months ago? I mean different beyond the inevitable growth and change that occurs over time.

I still feel called to be in the church as a Minister of Word and Sacrament. I'm still interested in the intersections between art and spirituality and life. I still like creating space for and planning for worship. I'm still an introvert who loves to read.

I do have new questions about how a congregation functions as a family system. I do have more questions about how we handle conflict in our lives and in the church.

But am I a different person?

Leaving Soon

The countdown continues and it's hit the single digits ... only 9 more days left until I am done.

That means I'll be leaving Internship Church soon and returning to seminary for my final year.

But between the end of my yearlong internship and the start of my senior year, I have three glorious weeks. And that's what I'm focusing on right now. I've scheduled a haircut and a massage, which both always lift my spirits. I'm already arranging and rearranging my apartment at seminary in my head - it'll be so nice to have my own space again. I can't wait to spend some time at home with family and friends and mentors who are ready to give me space to relax and to love on me.

Suddenly 9 more days doesn't seem long at all.

Getting Through

Things continue to get worse in the ongoing drama of the conflicted mess at the church, especially since I was thrown into the middle of something I should not have been.

So I'm having a difficult time being here and finishing up this internship.

But I'll make it through ... moment by moment.

"It is not hard to live through a day,
if you can live through a moment.
What creates despair is the imagination,
that pretends there is a future,
and insists on predicting
millions of moments, thousands of days,
and so drains you
that you cannot live the moment on hand."
~ Andre Dubus

I'll make it through the next 17 days moment by moment. I'll make it through the next 17 days because I have amazing friends who are supporting me. I'll make it through the next 17 days by holding onto the really good moments of laughter and shared meals and margaritas. But most importantly, I'll make it through the next 17 days because God is bigger than this.

What is your only comfort ...

when things are a great big conflicted mess at work?

Brownies with extra chocolate and walnuts fresh out of the oven, a large glass of white wine, and a good movie.

Praying for Death

I visited a longtime congregation member this week who is under Hospice care. But she's still eating meals and seems to be holding on.

The visit was difficult and good and many more things all at the same time. She wanted to die about two months ago. And was very weak at that point. But she seems to have regained some strength and she hates that.

She has had a good, full life and is ready to die. But death won't come. I was reminded this morning that "there is a time for every matter under heaven ... a time to be born and a time to die" - Ecclesiastes 3 is part of the reading for the church's Bible in a Year schedule for today.

But this week, I also prayed for that time of death to come for this woman. In fact, we spent a long time in prayer about peace, comfort and death coming soon. It was the first time I had ever prayed for death for someone.

I felt privileged to share those moments with her and hear about her very honest struggle with the end of life. I was humbled by the joke she was able to make in the midst of talking about how her family is dealing with it all. I was honored to share that time with her and sit in that liminal space with her.

Not in my job description

Obviously a pastor does so much more than preach and lead worship on Sundays. There's also the teaching and administration and visits and planning. And various other things that come up.

Here's what came up today:

Lumber dropped off at the church this afternoon for renovation work. Lumber is outside near the dumpster, which many neighborhood folk like to use as their own. They also like to go dumpster diving. Pastor is afraid lumber will walk off during the night. Pastor, admin assistant and I haul all the lumber inside the area of the church that is being worked on. It was 93 today.

Always Be Prepared

A great motto.

As a girl scout I learned it years ago.

As a member of the residential life leadership team in college, we also emphasized it.

As a pastor, they remain good words.

"Always be prepared."

Last week I was prepared to be "in charge" at the church while the pastor was on vacation. It's not the first time he's been on vacation since I've been at the church. In fact, it's more like the fourth or fifth time. So I wasn't concerned.

One seminary friend predicted the death of a congregation member ... didn't happen.

One congregation member offered to concoct an emergency so I could practice handling it ... declined her offer.

There were enough little things to deal with:

• coordinating communion with one (of the many) retired ministers from the congregation


• checking in on a congregation member who had outpatient eye surgery


• checking in on a congregation member who fell down in the shower


• checking in on a congregation member who is watching one of her best friends die


• visiting a member who is currently under Hospice care and later in the week discovering that another member has contacted Hospice for care


• ensuring all the pumps are working at the church during the torrential downpour one afternoon - this led to walking through a part of the church that has recently been demolished on the inside and is currently structurally unsound and then discovering water shouting out of a pvc pipe sticking out of the wall


• coming into the office on Monday morning to find a work crew ready to bust through a wall and put in a door ... I had no knowledge this was going to happen
  

Made Me Smile

Often during pastoral care visits, especially those in nursing homes or assisted living facilities, the following conversation takes place:

Can I help you?

No thank you. I'm here visiting a congregation member. I know where s/he lives.

You're the pastor ... ? You look mighty young for that.

------

Today I went to visit a congregation member who is at a nursing home, under Hospice care and losing her memory. She was excited to see me. Then she asked me when I was going to retire ...

I was laughing so hard on the inside because it was the exact opposite of the comments I normally get.

Words Never Before Uttered By a Pastor

"I'm bored!"

It may be hard to believe that a pastor (or even a pastoral intern) working fulltime at a church would ever utter these words. But I have. Multiple times. Last week and already this week.

I. am. bored.

The boredom is the result of numerous factors:

• During the summer, internship church has a much lighter schedule. Many programs take a break and either cut back or stop.
• Internship church has never had a yearlong intern before. They have a nice list of things for a summer intern to do and experience. However, seeing as how I've already been here for 9 months, I've completed said list.
• I'm already starting to prepare internship church for my departure - it's only 2 months away. There is not another yearlong intern coming this fall. I am slowly cutting back on the various things I've taken on this year so as not to shock them with it all at once in August.

Therefore, I am bored.

A Life Outside of the Church

Finding and creating a life outside of the church has been really difficult during this yearlong internship. I joined the Y soon after I arrived. That was good for at least getting out of the house. This past spring I was dancing a bit with another local church's worship dance program. That brought me great joy and life.

But right now I'm really struggling with having any kind of life outside of the church. It's easy enough to forget about when things are good and really busy at the church and my work brings me deep gladness. But when things are hard at the church (as they are right now, with three staff resignations and their aftermath) I really need something else in my life. It also doesn't help that I'm now living with two church members until the end of my time here. They are fantastic people, but it makes it even more difficult to have something separate from the church.

And so I'm searching and praying for something else - an activity or group or class or anything that would give me something outside of the church.

Working in a Neighborhood Church

As I wade through the emails and memos that piled up while I was on vacation last week, four neighborhood children run past my window. They are laughing and screaming as they play hide and seek and celebrate the start of summer vacation.

Play travels to the courtyard, which is right next to the offices. I go outside and talk to the children, some of whom I know and others that I meet for the first time. After a short chat, I return to my office and get back to work. But being present in this neighborhood is work too. Because this church didn't leave when the neighborhood started changing.

I am reminded of that as the new lawn maintenance company comes and tours the grounds. The foreman is concerned about the area and makes jokes with the adminstrative assistant about safety and being robbed. She shurgs him off and says that robbery can happen anywhere.

I am reminded of my own doubts and fears about serving this church for the year and feeling safe when at the church alone. Those doubts and fears are gone now. And I smile and laugh as the children run past my window again.

And it's here ...

Vacation starts today! Yippee!

I'm in the airport (and really excited about the free wireless).

I'm trying to figure out how to leave all the work stuff of the week here - resignations and resulting tension, conflict, and drama at the church - and enjoy myself and recharge. But my heart aches for what the church is going through and I don't know how to cut that off. Seeing friends and spending time with non-internship church people will be good.

I can only take so much

The week so far:

• organist resigned effective immediately by letter on Sunday morning
• choir director resigned in person on Monday
• emergency personnel committee meeting this afternoon

• house I am living in does not have A/C
• I was supposed to move to condo on the beach this afternoon, but that fell through unexpectedly on Sunday evening
• therefore I live with the windows open ... but that means I woke up to a house that smells like a campfire because the wind has brought the smoke and ash from the Georgia wildfires down to Florida
  

When will it be Saturday?

Vacation cannot get here soon enough!

"Playing at Worship"

Last Sunday was Youth Celebration Sunday. The church’s after-school tutoring program and elementary youth group had ended the previous Thursday and Friday, respectively. In worship on Sunday, we recognized these programs – the children who had participated in them, the adults who had led them, and the volunteers who had helped make them possible.

I planned worship and preached. I had the children participate in worship. They were the greeters at the door. They helped to usher. One child led the call to worship. During the offertory, the children offered a worship dance I had taught them over the year. It was a lot of work, but in the end I think things went well.

On Monday, I met with my Supervised Ministry Committee. (We meet monthly to discuss my internship and the work I am doing.) This month we were discussing the youth program. I had helped with it all year. Part of the discussion included a chance for comments on the youth celebration worship service.

A retired minister who sits on my committee said: “If I had known that it was going to be Youth Celebration Sunday, I wouldn’t have come to church. I don’t like those Sundays. It’s just kids ‘playing at worship.’”

I was slightly upset by the comment that night, but conversation moved away from the worship service. However, as I have continued to reflect on the comment, I am more upset and disheartened by the response.

I believe it was not just children “playing at worship” on Sunday. I believe it was children participating in and leading actual worship; I believe it was an opportunity for the children to learn about worship; I believe it was children being given a space to use their gifts in worship too.

Because if children don’t get these opportunities, chances are they might start to think the church doesn’t care if they are there or not. And we wonder why we’re missing so many 18-35 year olds in our churches today …

I can still remember my confirmation Sunday. The confirmation class planned and led the whole service, including the sermon. I was one of four young people who preached on my statement of faith that day. I am so grateful for that experience and support from my church, for that implicit statement of “you matter as a child of God and as a member of this congregation.”

And then, of course, the Presbyterian in me can’t help but point out a few citations from the Book of Order:

• W-1.1001: “… in worship the faithful offer themselves to God and are equipped for God’s service in the world.”

• W-1.4003: “In Jesus Christ, the Church is a royal priesthood in which worship is the work of everyone … no one shall be excluded from participation or leadership in public worship in the Lord’s house on the grounds of race, color, class, age, sex, or handicapping condition.”

• W-3.1003: “… the order for worship should provide for and encourage the participation of all.”

• W-3.1004: “Children bring special gifts to worship and grow in faith through their regular inclusion and participation in the worship of the congregation. Those responsible for planning and leading the participation of children in worship should consider the children’s level of understanding and ability to respond … regular programs of the church should not prevent children’s full participation with the whole congregation in worship.”

Alright, that’s the end of my somewhat coherent rant.

Some learnings

So things have picked up again after the post-Lent break. The admin assistant is on vacation this week. Here are some of the (not-so) fun things I've learned already this week:

• Bugs, specifically grain weevils, lay eggs in cardboard boxes in food plants. These eggs lay dormant for a long time and we never even know they are there. Until ... boxes of pasta sit on the food pantry shelf at the outreach center for too long. Then when someone walks in and is really quiet it sounds like milk hitting Rice Krispies. Snap, crackle, pop ... ewwww! Lots of pasta got tossed. Lots of dead bugs on the floor and on the shelves and probably in other unseen locations. We are now storing pasta in the freezer.
  
• The church is getting a new pest control company. The old one wasn't always showing up every month. So the church is getting bids from five different companies over two days. I showed one of the guys around today. He was checking out the kitchen area. I told him that we had found boxes with corners chewed off a few months ago, but hadn't seen any problems recently. He opened up the cupboard under the sink, took one look, and said "See that. Rat poop. He's still around." Nice ...
  
• The church has a building that it used to rent to a health clinic. The clinic left it a mess and the church is ready to utilize the space again. So that building, first and second floor, got demoed last week. Only problem is the plans the demo crew was using were not completely accurate and they started to bust through a load bearing wall. A plank is supporting the area that got knocked out before the crew realized what it had done. It does not look good and the church has got to get someone in there soon to fix it.
  

That's it for now. I think that's enough.

Silence

I like silence.

I'm an introvert and I enjoy good periods of being silent (especially if I'm reading while it's silent).

But I also really like silence in worship services.

I had the privilege of staying a week at the Taize community in France a year and a half ago. I loved attending worship three times a day there because silence is such an integral part of it. There was sufficient space to just be in the presence of God. Words were minimal. And the space was holy.

The pastor and I tried to craft holy, silent space at the Maundy Thursday service. People were pretty good at entering in silence. The narthex and sanctuary were lit by candlelight and the pianist played some beautiful prelude selections that helped people meditate or just be quiet. At the end of the service, there was no benediction and the bulletin indicated that people should exit singing the last verse of "Were You There?" and then leave in silence. The pastor and I walked down the aisle during the verse in hope that people would follow. We then circled back around to the sanctuary - no receiving line/greeeting time. People did follow, but they were not silent once the verse was over. There was lots of chatting and calling across the narthex to others. I was in the sanctuary starting to extinguish the candles. A congregant came up to me and offered to do that so I could go greet people. I politely told him that I was okay extinguishing the candles because I would prefer that people would leave in silence.

When we so often fill so much of our time and space with words, how do we teach others to honor silence?

Living into Holy Week

I'm having trouble living into Holy Week.

• My pastoral intern mind is thinking about Easter Sunday and what the weather will be like at 6:45 in the morning.
• I've started to plan for the 4th Sunday in Easter when I will preach next and have to incorporate a celebration of youth into the service.
• I'm starting to think about the 5th Sunday in Easter when I will dance in worship with at least one little girl from the congregation.

And so, I'm having trouble living into Holy Week.

And these are some of my favorite worship services of the year. Last year I showed my church nerd colors by attending and liturgizing at a noonday Holy Week Service on Wednesday, attending a Maundy Thursday service done house church style with a meal, a Good Friday service on the seven last words of Jesus, an Easter Vigil (a first time for me and I loved it!), and an Easter Sunday service.

So this is my hope and prayer - that I will stop at some point over the next few days and live into that day of Holy Week.

The Lull Before the Storm

Today was a wonderful Sabbath for me. Lots of lounging around and reading. Watched some movies on tv. Got my haircut.

This past week I only worked 40 hours. It was nice. I also find it hard to believe since the "Clergy Superbowl" is almost upon us.

But Maundy Thursday service is planned, including liturgical dance that is already choreographed and has been practiced with musician and soloist.

Easter Sunrise Service bulletin is completed. Sermon/meditation is outlined.

For right now, I'm enjoying the lull before the storm ...

O yeah ... I'm in Florida ...

Yesterday we had our staff meeting/lunch for the month. (When the only people in the office are the administrative assistant, the pastor, and myself, you really don't need official meetings too often).

We were making sure that things were set for Easter. We finalized the number of lilies and mums to order for the sanctuary from the local nursery. Then I asked if we would be getting some palms for Palm Sunday. At this point the pastor said, "Well yeah, we just go outside and cut them off the trees."

O yeah ... I'm in Florida ...

Sacred (and not-so-sacred) Moments

• I assisted with the Ash Wednesday service a week and a half ago. I'm still thinking about it because there was something so sacred about dipping my thumb in a bowl of ashes, looking each individual in the eye, and saying "Remember you are dust and to dust you shall return." Amen and amen.
• I've made a lot of visits to homebound and nursing home members lately. As I pray aloud at the end of each visit, I am struck every time by these precious children of God joining me in the Lord's Prayer even though they don't know what day it is or where they are or who I am. But that prayer is lodged in their memory.
• Yesterday the pastor, an elder and myself served homebound Lord's Supper to four individuals. It had been a long day of worship, meetings, and the CROP Walk. By the time we arrived at our last stop, it was 7pm. The last woman we were to serve lives in a memory unit of a facility. It was an interesting service. We had individuals interrupting us throughout and one woman shouting and swearing at us as we closed the service in prayer. Yet, there was also the moment when we asked the woman if she had any favorite hymns we could sing in closing. She burst into all six verses of some hymn that we struggled to find in our packets.