My Summer Vacation in My Summer Home

It's been a month since I've posted (and with good reason).

I'm on vacation right now. I'm not anywhere exotic sipping fun drinks on the beach.

I've simply declared June my month of vacation. I'm staying in my summer home (aka the apartment of friends who are abroad). I'm sleeping long hours and waking to the sounds of birds rather than my alarm. I spend my days reading fiction, watching DVDs, working out at the Y (if I can muster up the motivation), catching up with and hanging out with friends, and just plain relaxing.

I can't remember the last time I had a true summer vacation. So I thought I would get one more in before I officially enter adulthood and the work force and full time ministry.

Falling In Love ...

Not with a person.
With a church.
With specific churches.

Churches that I had applied to.
Churches that I was really excited about because of their ministry and vision, the positions open and the people I had talked to.

And now I'm back at square one because it turns out that those churches are not where the Spirit is leading me. I gave myself a week off from the call process. I needed a break. I told myself I wouldn't get so excited about specific churches again because it led to too much disappointment. I told myself that I would be excited about the church universal because of some of the great things I've read and heard about specific churches and people doing, but I wouldn't get attached to a specific church.

But I've done it again.

As I read about churches who are searching for pastors, one in particular jumped out at me. I'm hoping my excitement about this specific church is the movement of the Holy Spirit.

This is bigger than me

I've been struggling with the call process recently ...

• doubting that the committee structure is a good one
• anxious about time and dates as graduation continues to creep ever nearer
• deeply saddened that a church I really felt called to has decided to discontinue our conversation

And so I practiced some good self-care; I went to the movies with a friend and laughed and laughed. Horton Hears A Who ... good stuff. Wonderful imaginary characters and, as it turns out, some deeply theological messages. From believing without seeing and hearing to acknowledging that there are things in the world bigger than we are, it was good all around.

There's nothing like a whole box of Junior Mints (right before dinner) and a "children's" cartoon movie to help make a gloomy day better.

And so I was reminded:
This is bigger than me. This is not bigger than God.

Balance

I need balance in my life. I need to escape the seminary bubble and interact with people who don't spend all day in the classroom or the library studying God, theology, and things divine.

This semester I am getting that balance on Thursday afternoons. In the afternoon, I head over to the local YMCA and teach a dance and gymnastics class for 3-5 year olds. For an hour or so, I worry about somersaults and cartwheels, first position and plie.

I laugh as they tell me stories about nursery school or getting a shot; they laugh as I make silly faces at them on the balance beam; we all laugh together as we walk as crabs and bears across the mats.

And my life seems balanced again.

Rhythms of Grace

"Are you tired? Worn out? ... Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace ... " Matthew 11:28-30, The Message

I am passionate about the practice of Sabbath. It's an important spiritual discipline in my life. It first started when I was in college and I struggled with feeling defined by the things that I did (mainly school work, studying and such). I started practicing Sabbath to remember who I was ... a child of God; a daughter and a sister; a friend; a person who could just be and the world wouldn't stop.

I've continued to observe Sabbath over the years, though in many different ways. It changes as my life changes and my schedule and my work dictate new times and days and ways of observing Sabbath. Sometimes it's been the whole of Sunday or part of Saturday or a day in the middle of the week. At times it has meant that I don't do homework or study, or I don't run errands, or I just do the things I really want to do, or I spend time being in relationship with God, friends, and family.

But regardless of how it manifests itself, I continue to practice Sabbath, because I need that reminder of who I am.

Lately, however, I've had an overabundance of free time, of downtime, of opportunities to practice Sabbath. In these two weeks between the end of Jan term and the start of spring semester, I've got a whole lot of time. And at first it was really good. I spend time doing lots of things I often run out of time for:

• I've been to the movies with friends ... twice
• I've been out to eat with friends ... multiple times
• I've watched movies on my couch ... five and counting
• I've finished two knitting projects and started two new ones
• I've slept in late and relaxed
• I've read and read and read ... completing four books with three more in the works

and I've become bored with this abundance of time. I've still got half a week until classes start up again.

And I'm wondering about the practice of Sabbath: What about those six days of work? How does not having that change the unforced rhythms of grace? What's the distinction between Sabbath and free time?

I Need a Little Christmas ...

right this very minute!

I'm at home in Michigan, decorating the Christmas tree. I decorated my apartment for Christmas and winter before I left for Thanksgiving.

I just need a little Christmas right now. I need the promise of new life, the hope of redemption, and the joy of festivities.

So even though, as a seminary student, I know it's not Christmas yet, not to mention Advent hasn't even started, I'm starting to celebrate Christmas.

I've done enough watching and waiting with families and loved ones at the hospital. I need a little Christmas right now.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming ...

I'm trying to make it to the end of the semester. While CPE has been good, it's also been extremely draining. This past weekend I had the longest day (as a counterpart to my longest night). I journeyed with four different families and eight little babies through various situations in the NICU. Four of the little ones did not make it.

And I'm done. I'm spent. It's taking me longer and longer to recharge after difficult on-call shifts. And I have three and a half weeks and five on-call shifts left. I've started the countdown.

For now, I'll watch Finding Nemo and make paper snowflakes and somehow find the strength to just keep swimming ...

Recharging

After nights like this and generally working long hours in a hospital at the crossroads of new life, trauma, tragedy, and death, I needed to recharge and get centered and in a place to continue such work (at least until the end of this semester).

So, this week I have

• slept long hours in my own bed
• read an entire book for fun
• jumped on a trampoline
• enjoyed the fall weather (that has finally arrived)
• consumed yummy food and much needed margaritas
  
• gone to the movies
• ignored some deadlines in order to do these things.

And it has been wonderfully renewing.

I will be ready to return to the hospital on Monday.

Breathing Deeply

I traveled to the North Carolina mountains with a friend this past week. For three days, I surrounded myself with trees brightly changing colors, waterfalls cascading down rock formations, and the quiet sounds of nature. I paused and breathed deeply. And then I was ready to enter the world again.

"When I Am Among the Trees"
by Mary Oliver

When I am among the trees,
especially the willows, and the honey locust,
equally the beech, the oaks, and the pines,
they give off such hints of gladness.
I would almost say that they save me, and daily.

I am so distant from the hope of myself,
in which I have goodness, and discernment,
and never hurry through the world
but walk slowly and bow often.

Around me the trees stir in their leaves
and call out, "Stay awhile."
The light flows from their branches.

And they call again, "It's simple," they say,
"and you too have come
into the world to do this, to go easy to be filled
with light, and to shine."

Getting Through

Things continue to get worse in the ongoing drama of the conflicted mess at the church, especially since I was thrown into the middle of something I should not have been.

So I'm having a difficult time being here and finishing up this internship.

But I'll make it through ... moment by moment.

"It is not hard to live through a day,
if you can live through a moment.
What creates despair is the imagination,
that pretends there is a future,
and insists on predicting
millions of moments, thousands of days,
and so drains you
that you cannot live the moment on hand."
~ Andre Dubus

I'll make it through the next 17 days moment by moment. I'll make it through the next 17 days because I have amazing friends who are supporting me. I'll make it through the next 17 days by holding onto the really good moments of laughter and shared meals and margaritas. But most importantly, I'll make it through the next 17 days because God is bigger than this.

What is your only comfort ...

when things are a great big conflicted mess at work?

Brownies with extra chocolate and walnuts fresh out of the oven, a large glass of white wine, and a good movie.

Highlights from vacation

• being welcomed back to campus by lots of fresh flowers from friends
  
• sitting in the pew on Sunday
• watching a friend's dance recital (& the most adorable little kids ever)
• reading for pleasure on the quad in the sun
  
• jumping on a trampoline
• good convos about call and the church and working in the church and discernment
• playing Sequence
  
• visiting The Chocolate Bar
• picnic on the quad
• watching friends learn to play cricket
• sleeping in & just relaxing
  

And it's here ...

Vacation starts today! Yippee!

I'm in the airport (and really excited about the free wireless).

I'm trying to figure out how to leave all the work stuff of the week here - resignations and resulting tension, conflict, and drama at the church - and enjoy myself and recharge. But my heart aches for what the church is going through and I don't know how to cut that off. Seeing friends and spending time with non-internship church people will be good.