Recharging

After nights like this and generally working long hours in a hospital at the crossroads of new life, trauma, tragedy, and death, I needed to recharge and get centered and in a place to continue such work (at least until the end of this semester).

So, this week I have

• slept long hours in my own bed
• read an entire book for fun
• jumped on a trampoline
• enjoyed the fall weather (that has finally arrived)
• consumed yummy food and much needed margaritas
  
• gone to the movies
• ignored some deadlines in order to do these things.

And it has been wonderfully renewing.

I will be ready to return to the hospital on Monday.

The Longest Night

I'm on call tonight at the hospital. Actually, there are only three hours remaining on my shift. But it's been a long night:

• death of a 6 month old baby in the NICU
• adult death in the ER
• perinatal loss
• perinatal loss
• early labor on triplet girls
  

Yeah ... some nights are better than others.

Tonight, I'm just trying to make it until 8:30am when I can leave.

Breathing Deeply

I traveled to the North Carolina mountains with a friend this past week. For three days, I surrounded myself with trees brightly changing colors, waterfalls cascading down rock formations, and the quiet sounds of nature. I paused and breathed deeply. And then I was ready to enter the world again.

"When I Am Among the Trees"
by Mary Oliver

When I am among the trees,
especially the willows, and the honey locust,
equally the beech, the oaks, and the pines,
they give off such hints of gladness.
I would almost say that they save me, and daily.

I am so distant from the hope of myself,
in which I have goodness, and discernment,
and never hurry through the world
but walk slowly and bow often.

Around me the trees stir in their leaves
and call out, "Stay awhile."
The light flows from their branches.

And they call again, "It's simple," they say,
"and you too have come
into the world to do this, to go easy to be filled
with light, and to shine."

CPE and the Introvert

It's no shock to anyone who knows me that I'm an introvert. I like being around people and being social. However, at the end of a long day or when things are stressful, I really want to be by myself and curl up with a good book or veg on the couch or zone out and knit.

CPE is forcing me into lots of solo introvert/recharge time. I spend my days at the hospital meeting a whole slew of new patients and am drained. I return home and hole up in my place.

So it feels like when I'm not at the hospital, I'm either recovering from being there or preparing to go back. I'm (only) at the hospital two days and one overnight shift a week - roughly 30 hours/week. But right now it seems like CPE is controlling the way I live my life.

Is it fall yet?

It's the middle of October. Yet the weather report still includes highs reaching into the 80s. I need it to be fall. It should be time for sweaters and scarves, for hot apple cider and pumpkin patches.

Guess even after three and a half years in the South, I'm still a Northern girl at heart.

And the world spins madly on ...

(pound, pound, pound, pound) MAINTENANCE!

(pound, pound, pound, pound) MAINTENANCE!

I was awoken this morning at 11am by this racket on my door. Maintenance had come to change the filters in the heating and cooling unit in my living room and bedroom.

No, I wasn't being particularly lazy this morning. I was recovering from being on call last night at the hospital and getting roughly three to four hours of sleep that was punctuated by two adult deaths and a perinatal loss.

I had hoped to sleep for four hours this morning. But I was roused from my sleep and reminded that my student world and the world in general spins madly on even though it seems to stop and be disconnected while I am at the hospital.

The CPE Experience

This semester I am doing Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE) at a local hospital as a part of my course load. Though I believe it will be a valuable experience, I am not in the program by choice, but rather per the requirements of my CPM.

Components of CPE include group time for learning and processing, individual supervision, daytime clinical hours, and nighttime on-call shifts. All of the components have not been easy to fit into my schedule this semester as I am also taking a pastoral care class and doing an independent study. However, the most difficult pressure on my schedule has been the on-call shifts.

Weekday shifts are 16 hours and weekend shifts are 24 hours. Not to mention the recovery time before and/or after catching up on sleep and processing the emotional drain.

Yet even with all of this, I like offering pastoral care in on-call situations better than during daytime clinical hours. Might sound strange. I'm still trying to figure it out.

But last week

• I sat with a woman who had performed CPR on her friend as she died on the side of road;
• I watched a large family say goodbye to a loved one as life support was withdrawn;
  
• I visited a woman who had to say goodbye to a baby who never drew a breath in this world;
  
• I spoke with a couple who is unsure of how many breaths their baby will take in this world
  

and I was calm and sure of my pastoral authority. I enjoyed 8 hours of non-stop on-call work more than the leisurely 4 hours of daytime visits. Perhaps it was because I knew I was needed in the on-call situations and I'm never sure what I'll find doing rounds on my clinical floor.

A Different Person?

I visited with my faculty advisor the other day. Just stopped by his office. I was sharing about my yearlong internship experience. He also did a yearlong when he was in seminary. He told me he entered his final year of seminary a totally different person.

So I've been thinking ... am I a different person now than I was fifteen months ago? I mean different beyond the inevitable growth and change that occurs over time.

I still feel called to be in the church as a Minister of Word and Sacrament. I'm still interested in the intersections between art and spirituality and life. I still like creating space for and planning for worship. I'm still an introvert who loves to read.

I do have new questions about how a congregation functions as a family system. I do have more questions about how we handle conflict in our lives and in the church.

But am I a different person?

Back in the Saddle Again

I had class a week ago for the first time since I left for my year of internship work. It was weird. I'm in class with students that used to be in the class below me ... they are now my graduating class.

It's been almost a year and a half since I sat in a classroom and listened to lectures, did homework, and wrote papers. It'll be an adjustment. I think the rhythm of the school year and being a student will come back to me, but right now, as I finish a paper and some reading for class tonight, it still feels weird.

Whew.

It's been four weeks since I've blogged. Lots has happened. But I finally have a moment to write and reflect.

• I'm fully settled in my new place now. I even have things on the walls.
• I traveled home to Michigan to see family and attend a friend's wedding.
• I made it through Clinical Pastoral Education orientation (more on CPE later).
• I survived my first night as the on-call chaplain at the hospital. I was the envy of the other students as I didn't receive any calls.
• I attended and participated in the Convocation Service and officially started the new (and last) school year.

Okay ... so maybe this entry won't involve much reflection, but at least it's a new post.