Learning to Grieve as a Pastor

Over the past two days, I have had the privilege of walking with a family through the valley of the shadow of death. It was hard work. A 19 year-old young woman had been killed in a car accident. Her name was Emily and it seems we shared many personality traits.

Her mother, step-father and step-brother met with the pastor, director of music and myself on Sunday to plan the worship service. The family had moved away from town 10 years ago and are currently in the process of moving back. The pastor did not know the family or Emily since he has only been at the church for fifteen months. We spent a good amount of time Sunday hearing stories about Emily – her quirky traits, the things she loved, the stories her family will always remember.

The visitation and funeral service were on Monday at the church. I participated in the worship service by reading the three Scripture lessons. It was so difficult to sit in the chancel area facing a sanctuary packed with family and friends, high school classmates of Emily and sorority sisters from her first year of college. The grief was so raw that you could feel it in the air. The sorority sisters wept throughout the service and my heart went out to them. During the singing of the final hymn, I saw Emily’s mother breakdown and I began to cry silently myself. I composed myself as the pastor and I led the recessional.

The pastor and I debriefed about the funeral today. He talked about learning to grieve as a pastor – working through your own emotions prior to the visitation, funeral service, and graveside service; separating your feelings for a time period. It is difficult work and I don’t know if my heart is cut out for it. It’ll definitely take me time to learn how to grieve as a pastor.